The last pick of the 2026 draft went in at 9:33 PM on Tuesday and it wasn’t really a pick. It was Nick, with the 210th and final selection, formally stamping Christian McCaffrey as his keeper — a formality, since every keeper in this league costs your fifteenth-rounder and all fourteen of you used one. The chat responded with an angry face, a shocked face, a crying face and a pile of dung. Four reactions. Most of any pick all night. All of them aimed at a man who has won this league two years running and, per the numbers desk, is 4-0 in finals. You people are not okay and I love you for it.
Some housekeeping before the fun. 210 picks in 82 minutes, 23.6 seconds each. Last year’s draft, on August 17, took 119. This one started at 8:11 p.m. the night before kickoff, which is either confidence or a scheduling failure and I have heard both explanations from the same person.
Round one, or: the running backs are back, baby
Seven of the first fourteen picks were running backs. Zero were quarterbacks. Two were tight ends — Tim took Brock Bowers at eight and John E. took Trey McBride at thirteen — and the first passer didn’t go until Jeff blinked at nineteen and took Josh Allen. Jonathan went Jaxon Smith-Njigba at 1.01 and got one heart and one poop for it, which is about the ratio he gets on everything.
| # | Team | Manager | Pick | Pos | NFL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Magicians | Jonathan | Jaxon Smith-Njigba | WR | SEA |
| 2 | Bijan Mustard | Timothy | Saquon Barkley | RB | PHI |
| 3 | Coonie's Goonies | Josh | De'Von Achane | RB | MIA |
| 4 | The Lowly Gents | Anthony | Chase Brown | RB | CIN |
| 5 | Royal Rodents | Owen | Omarion Hampton | RB | LAC |
| 6 | Romo's Rotisserie | Kevin | A.J. Brown | WR | NE |
| 7 | Mike's Merry Mates | Michael | Kenneth Walker | RB | KC |
| 8 | SKOL MF | Tim | Brock Bowers | TE | LV |
| 9 | Pocket Dogs | John P. | Kyren Williams | RB | LAR |
| 10 | American Football Team | Jeff | Drake London | WR | ATL |
| 11 | Pla-ket-ket-ket-ket | Sean | Ashton Jeanty | RB | LV |
| 12 | Tomato Heads | mike | George Pickens | WR | DAL |
| 13 | Sugar Coats | John E. | Trey McBride | TE | ARI |
| 14 | Touchdown There | Nick | DeVonta Smith | WR | PHI |
The November bill
If you were wondering why Nick didn’t pick in round two, or why Jeff went straight from round two to round five like a man skipping the vegetable aisle — it’s because of a Wednesday and Thursday last November when five trades went through and all of them moved 2026 picks. Nick sent his second to Anthony for A.J. Brown and Tyrone Tracy, went 12-2 and won the whole thing. Anthony turned that pick into Malik Nabers at fifteen. Jeff dealt his third and fourth away in separate trades and came out of it with Derrick Henry and Patrick Mahomes — one of whom he kept and one of whom went back into the pool and got drafted by Michael at 78. A.J. Brown also went back in. Kevin took him sixth. The circle of life.
| Date | Trade | 2026 picks moved |
|---|---|---|
| Nov 12 | Anthony ⇄ Nick | Anthony’s 5th → Nick; Nick’s 2nd → Anthony |
| Nov 13 | Josh ⇄ Jeff | Jeff’s 4th → Josh; Josh’s 5th → Jeff |
| Nov 13 | Josh ⇄ John E. | Josh’s 9th → John E.; John E.’s 5th → Josh |
| Nov 13 | Owen ⇄ Jeff | Jeff’s 3rd → Owen; Owen’s 7th → Jeff |
| Nov 13 | Anthony ⇄ John E. | Anthony’s 10th → John E.; John E.’s 6th → Anthony |
The quarterback staring contest
After Allen and Lamar (Tim, pick 21) the position just… sat. Drake Maye and Jalen Hurts went back-to-back at 37 and 38, Joe Burrow at 47, and then nothing for a while. Mahomes went at 78. Trevor Lawrence at 97. Jaxson Dart at 101. And at the very, very back of the line, as is tradition, was the champion: Nick did not take a quarterback until pick 126 — Jared Goff, the sixteenth QB off the board — and then took Kyler Murray on the very next pick, because apparently one of those wasn’t enough insurance. Goff got a poop. Nick started him in Week 1 anyway. He always does.
The eight minutes after
The draft ended at 9:33. Between 9:34 and 9:41 there were six free-agent moves and a trade. Jonathan, having drafted fifteen players and zero kickers, signed Harrison Butker at 9:35. One minute later he sent Alec Pierce to Kevin for Stefon Diggs — first trade of the season, done before anyone stood up — and Diggs walked directly into his Week 1 flex. Owen churned two roster spots in two minutes. Tim cut Hunter Henry and then cut Baker Mayfield sixty seconds later, which is a detail I am filing away for reasons that will become clear in the Week 1 column.
Things people did that I noticed
Rashee Rice at pick 20 (John P.) drew two poops. Jalen Coker at pick 118 (Kevin) also drew two poops, and I want everyone to remember that. Timothy took Jordan Love at 195 as a backup and someone still found the energy to poop it. Nick drafted two team defenses. Kevin drafted seven wide receivers. Michael, coming off a 1-13 season, took Kenneth Walker at seven and Mahomes at 78 and honestly walked out with a roster, which for Michael is a headline. And Josh and Sean, still, as of the last pick: no team names.