John E. has been busy. On Tuesday at 11:23 in the morning, about an hour after this newspaper published the words “0-2 for the second time ever,” he sent Kenny Gainwell and Malik Willis to Jonathan for MarShawn Lloyd and Kaleb Johnson. On Wednesday at 3:54 in the afternoon he sent Lloyd, Johnson and Dontayvion Wicks to Kevin for Jadarian Price and Alec Pierce. So in twenty-eight hours the Sugar Coats turned Gainwell, Willis and Wicks into Price and Pierce, and Kevin — who beat John E. on Sunday — ended up with the two running backs John E. got from Jonathan, who beat John E. the Sunday before. Everyone John E. has lost to this season now owns something he traded. Sal Bianchi does not do analysis, but that is a pattern.
He also put in a waiver claim for Adonai Mitchell on Wednesday night. So did Owen, on Tuesday. So did mike. All three failed, because John P. already had him. Of course John P. already had him.
All of which sets up Sunday: John E. against John P., 0-2 against 0-2, a series that stands 10-9 to John P. after nineteen meetings. John E. starts Tyler Shough at quarterback, claimed off waivers Tuesday night, because Trevor Lawrence gave him 4.16 last week and a man can only take so much. John P. starts Bryce Young, who scored 22.08 on his bench last week while Drake Maye scored 5.02 in his lineup, and Matthew Stafford — 25.98 on that same bench — is no longer on his roster at all. One of these men is going to be 0-3. John E. has been 0-3 exactly once, in 2020. John P. has done it twice. Neither is going to enjoy the chat.
The other six
Sean vs. Jeff. The most-played series in league history, 31 games, Sean up 18-13 — and both men are 2-0. Jeff is scoring 137.74 a week. Jeff also has Jayden Reed, who is Out, in his flex slot for a game that kicks off tonight, so if you’re reading this before 7:15, somebody text him. Sean has finally moved Brock Purdy into his lineup after Purdy scored 28.48 on the bench.
Jonathan vs. Kevin. Two more 2-0s. Jonathan leads the series 11-4 and the league in points, 285.70, and lost Jayden Daniels to a dislocated elbow — he is Out — which is why Malik Willis, acquired from John E. on Tuesday, is his starting quarterback this week. Kevin, meanwhile, is starting Wicks, acquired from John E. on Wednesday. It’s a John E. proxy war. Jaylen Warren and Jalen Coker are questionable for Kevin; Travis Etienne is questionable for Jonathan.
Nick vs. Timothy. The champion is 0-2 with the fifth-most points in the league, which is what happens when your two opponents score 141 and 156. Nick leads Timothy 12-5 all time. Timothy is 2-0 with Saquon Barkley questionable and not playing until Monday night, and Bijan and Matthew Golden going tonight. Nick has D’Andre Swift and DeVonta Smith on Monday, so this one is going to take all four days.
Owen vs. Michael. Owen trails 7-8; a win squares the series. Michael is coming off 156.48, the second-best game of his life. Owen’s two starting receivers, Nico Collins and Zay Flowers, are both questionable, and he already has a zero from Marvin Harrison on his conscience. Michael’s lineup is fully healthy and fully terrifying, which is a sentence nobody in this league has typed before.
Anthony vs. Tim. 11-2 Anthony, lifetime. Anthony is coming off 64.38 with Goedert doubtful for Monday and Nabers questionable; he picked up Zach Ertz on Wednesday and tried for Keon Coleman and Darren Waller within the same two minutes and got neither. Tim is 1-1 with Brock Bowers questionable a week after Bowers gave him zero, and he beat mike with 68.3. The floor here is very low. The ceiling is Anthony remembering who he is.
Josh vs. mike. Josh leads 13-7. Both are 0-2. mike cut Jaxson Dart at 9:12 Thursday morning, picked up Drew Lock at 9:12, and swapped Wan’Dale Robinson for Darius Slayton at 9:15. Puka Nacua is questionable after his zero. Josh scored 78.88 last week. Whoever wins this was the worse team last week, guaranteed.
The slate
| Matchup | All-time | Starters flagged (O/D/Q) | The read | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Nick (0-2, 248.52) Touchdown There | Timothy (2-0, 218.56) Bijan Mustard | 12–5 Nick | — / Barkley (Q) | Champion at 0-2 with the fifth-most points; Timothy 2-0 with Saquon questionable on Monday night. |
| Josh (0-2, 183.24) Coonie's Goonies | mike (0-2, 206.30) Tomato Heads | 13–7 Josh | — / Nacua (Q) | Two 0-2 teams. Josh leads 13-7; mike starts Drew Lock, picked up Thursday morning. |
| Sean (2-0, 251.68) Pla-ket-ket-ket-ket | Jeff (2-0, 275.48) American Football Team | 18–13 Sean | — / Pollard (Q), Reed (O) | The league’s longest rivalry — 31 games. Two of the Smith House’s three unbeaten teams; the winner keeps the zero. |
| Owen (1-1, 185.58) Royal Rodents | Michael (1-1, 255.82) Mike's Merry Mates | 8–7 Michael | Collins (Q), Flowers (Q) / — | 7-8 all time — an Owen win squares it. Michael is coming off 156.48. |
| Jonathan (2-0, 285.70) The Magicians | Kevin (2-0, 216.86) Romo's Rotisserie | 11–4 Jonathan | Etienne (Q) / Warren (Q), Coker (Q) | Both 2-0. Jonathan starts Malik Willis with Daniels out; Kevin took Wicks in the Wednesday trade. |
| John E. (0-2, 198.46) Sugar Coats | John P. (0-2, 199.54) Pocket Dogs | 10–9 John P. | Price (Q), Moore (Q) / — | Loser is 0-3. Series 10-9 John P.; a John E. win ties it at ten. |
| Anthony (1-1, 209.54) The Lowly Gents | Tim (1-1, 162.86) SKOL MF | 11–2 Anthony | Goedert (D), Nabers (Q) / Bowers (Q), Monangai (Q) | Anthony owns this one 11-2. Goedert doubtful, Nabers questionable, Herbert coming off 1.88. |
Records and points through Week 2. All-time series include playoffs. Injury designations from Sleeper as of Thursday afternoon: O = Out, D = Doubtful, Q = Questionable. Thursday night: Falcons at Packers. Monday night: Eagles at Bears.