Let’s start with the man who never starts 0-2. John E. — 134 career wins, most in league history, fourteen playoff trips in sixteen years — is finished for Week 2 at 75.86. Every one of his starters has played. Kevin sits at 87.52 with Jonathan Taylor, Alec Pierce and the Chiefs defense still to go tonight, which means the only way John E. wins this game is if three Kevin starters combine for eleven points below zero. Two of them are skill players who can’t. So barring a defensive collapse of historic proportions, the Sugar Coats are 0-2, and the all-time series with Kevin — dead even at 10-10 coming in — tips to Kevin. Trevor Lawrence gave him 4.16. DJ Moore gave him negative one-tenth of a point on Thursday and John E. had three days to notice.

That would be the story of the afternoon if the afternoon hadn’t been a crime scene. Fourteen teams have put up 1,231.74 points so far, an average of 87.98. Last week’s finished average was 117.98. Eight teams are under 80. Anthony, who scored 145.16 last Sunday and led the league, is at 63.28 with only Malik Nabers left on Monday. Justin Herbert gave him 1.88. Dallas Goedert gave him 1.4. He needs 47.24 from Nabers against the Rams to catch Sean, and Sean is done at 110.52 — CeeDee Lamb 35.3, Chris Olave 22.6, Brandon Aubrey 15 — while starting Caleb Williams for 3.72 with Brock Purdy’s 28.48 on the bench. The best pick of the draft, per this newspaper, and Sean is winning anyway. That’s the kind of week it is.

Jeff is your Sunday high at 133.92: Josh Allen 37.82, Dalton Kincaid 22.5, and a Patriots defense that scored 22 by itself, which is more than Owen’s three wide receivers combined. Owen is at 56.86 with Marvin Harrison’s zero in the lineup and only the Rams defense left. He is not catching Jeff. Nobody is catching Jeff. Jeff is 2-0 and the American Football Team is, at the moment, the best team in the league. Write that down so we can laugh at it in November.

Jonathan has the day’s best individual performance — Jaxon Smith-Njigba, 42.5 — plus 35.2 from Amon-Ra and 21.7 from Diggs, and sits at 126.74 with Skattebo and Butker still to play. John P. is at 74.92 with Kyren Williams and Rashee Rice left and needs to outscore Jonathan’s two by 51.82. Drake Maye gave him 5.02. Bryce Young gave him 22.08 from the bench. John P. leads the all-time series 10-8, and lost last week by 0.42, which I mention only because I am contractually obligated to be cruel.

Nick is at 119.48 with Tyler Warren left — Goff 23.78, the sixteenth quarterback drafted, is now the reason his lineup works — over Michael, who is at 66.2 with Mahomes, Kenneth Walker and Davante Adams all still to play. Michael benched Mahomes for Baker Mayfield last week and lost by 42. This week he started Mahomes and needs the three of them for 53.28. He also has Tre Tucker’s 22.9 on the bench. Michael’s bench, 55.18, is within half a point of mike’s entire starting lineup.

Timothy is 2-0 — Dak 27.76, Dalton Schultz 26.0, and he correctly sat George Kittle’s 18 — at 117.66 over Josh, who is 74.88 with only his kicker left. Harrison Mevis would need 43. And the one game that’s actually alive: Tim is done at 68.3 (Brock Bowers zero, Lions defense minus one), and mike sits at 55.6 with Jaxson Dart, Puka Nacua and Isaiah Likely all going Monday night. mike needs 12.7 from three starters including his quarterback and his best receiver. Tim leads the series 10-5, which nobody in the chat believed until Marcus pulled the file. mike lost with 141.6 last week. He would very much like to win with 70 this week.

Where every game stands

Scores as of 6:45 p.m. Central, Sunday, September 20. Pending = starter plays in IND–KC (Sunday night) or LAR–NYG (Monday night). Kickers cannot score negative in this league; defenses can.